Changing the Route

Distance: 4.62 mi
Time: 00:35:54/7:46 pace

Lately, when the body feels it's time for a run, I have pretty much been getting in my car and driving straight to Freedom Park, without even thinking about it. I guess I've gotten tired of running from my apartment. In a related story, I need to move, but probably won't do so until next April. I can't quite run through the beloved Freedom Park area from home without adding in some unwanted miles. That said, I need to stop wasting gas, and I need to stop running 5-6 miles on every easy run. Today, I did the Independence Park/Elizabeth Avenue run, which is less than 5, and just clipped along at a comfortable pace. This is easily my favorite short run from home, and I will try to figure out some more for now.


Stats and Map

Recovering

Distance: 6.0 mi
Time: 00:47:55/7:59 pace

As expected, my legs felt pretty tight after yesterday's workout. I just took it very easy, as indicated by the pace above. I ran the Booty Loop route again and just thought about life. Nothing else to report here.

Stats and Map 

Mile Repeats with Brinkley

Warmup: 00:16:29 for 2.0 mi
Workout: 4x1-Mile at 5k goal pace with 2-min rest
Cooldown: 00:18:03 for 2.0 mi
Goal: Three mile repeats equals just less than a 5k, so we wanted to throw in a fourth. The idea was to run at goal pace, but seeing as I haven't raced in forever, I had no idea what "goal pace" should be. Basically, I wanted to keep it as close to 6 minutes per mile as possible.
Conditions: 85 degrees and very humid.
Actual: Mile splits were 5:59, 6:20, 6:31, and 6:30.

David and I had tentative plans to meet early in the morning for this one, but neither one of us made it, so we met at McMullen Greenway in south Charlotte at 5:30 p.m. It was hot and very humid as we set off on the trail for a two-mile warmup. As stated above, I wanted to keep my mile splits as close to 6-flat as possible, but I honestly had no idea what I was capable of on this day. One always must factor in the heat when doing a workout; it no doubt slows you down a good bit.

I asked David to set the pace and I ran just off his left shoulder as we headed down the greenway. We realized we were running 5:25 pace at one point so we slowed down. Oops. I tried to settle in a groove but noticed that my breathing was becoming heavy - although, my legs felt fine. David pulled away a little bit and finished about 7 seconds ahead of me. I was right where I wanted to be - 5:59 for mile one - but knew that fast start was going to hurt me in the next few repeats.

Surely enough, I struggled on the next one. David pulled away pretty early and finished a good bit ahead of me on this one. After I was done, I gave him a head start so we would have equal rest. I would go on to do this for the last one, as well. Looking back, I probably would have been better off just taking shorter rest and trying to stay with him. We both withered in the heat in the last two splits, but I couldn't help but notice I had a strong kick on the last one. I need to remember how to push myself, I guess.

All in all, I wouldn't call this workout a total failure, but I clearly have a long way to go. Also, I may have to get used to waking up at 5:30 a.m. and getting this crap out of the way early. My first three repeats equaled 18:50, which is probably about a 19:30 5k. So, I'm not in bad shape. Take away the late-afternoon humidity and add about 30 race competitors and I think we lower that time significantly. Alas, back to the drawing board.

Stats and Map for the workout portion.

Fresh Legs....Yes

Distance: 6.00 mi
Time: 00:43:07/7:10 pace

It's amazing how much better I feel when I eat healthy snacks, get to bed early, and get out the door refreshed the next day, whether it be 7am or a little later. Also, two consecutive days off never hurts, either. I didn't feel like I was moving that quickly at all, but lo and behold, 7:10 average pace was the law of the day. Not blistering fast, of course, but pretty good for an easy run. I just felt good and enjoyed the scenery on this one.

Stats and Map

Week in Review

Distance: 33.12 mi
Time: 04:11:33

I feel like I had another good week. I didn't really do the workout I had planned, but I had a great long run and the body has felt fresh on most days. Running in the heat and humidity is tough, as always, but that's more of a mental game than anything else. I'll be fine.

For the coming week, I'm going to continue listening to the body and adjusting the schedule accordingly. Consistency really seems to be helping me, though, and with that in mind I'd like to keep my running schedule as is: easy days Tuesday, Thursday, Friday; workout on Wednesday; long run on Saturday; rest days on Sunday and Monday. I'm thinking about doing mile repeats for the workout this week - three of them at 5k goal pace.

Garmin Confusion

After looking at the details of today's long run, I was a little confused as to what my Garmin was showing me. "Avg pace" was listed at 7:39 and "Avg moving pace" was 7:29. That's a big difference to me on a 9-mile run. (It also says my fastest pace was 3:01 per mile at a given point - probably sprinting across the street to avoid getting hit by cars.) I decided to look this up once and for all. A googling led to the following explanation on a Garmin forum:

Garmin Connect provides three Time measurements on the Details page:

Time

Time is the recording time reported by the device. For Fitness devices, this should equal the Time value reported on the device. For other devices, this should equal the amount of time elapsed from the actual Start and Finish time of an activity.

Avg Speed/Pace is based off the Time value.

Moving Time

Garmin Connect calculates Moving Time by removing the amount of time when the user is stopped. This is helpful for customers who upload activities with a Garmin device that either don't have AutoPause or have AutoPause turned off. For those who have AutoPause turned on or hit the Stop and Start button in the middle of an activity, the Moving Time should be very close or equal to Time.

Avg Moving Speed/Pace is based off the Moving Time value.

Elapsed Time

Garmin Connect calculates the Elapsed Time by the amount of time elapsed from the actual Start and Finish time of an activity. This is helpful for customers with a Garmin device that have AutoPause turned on or hit the Stop and Start button in the middle of an activity. For those who don't have AutoPause or have that feature turned off on their device, Elapsed time should be very close or equal to Time.    - from user "ONDAEYES"


Ok, that all makes perfect sense to me, really. But it doesn't explain why my "time" and "moving time" are different. I have a "fitness device" and I keep "AutoPause" turned on; according to this, then, my "time" and "moving time" should be very close or exact. This does not offer an explanation for when they aren't exact or even remotely close. Usually, there isn't a big difference, but on today's long run the difference was a minute and a half.


The only thing I can think of is this is a result of the satellite signal getting lost. You might think that could occur in very heavy rain, right? Well, the rain miles were two of my fastest. Maybe I was really running about 6:40 pace instead of 7:25 for those two? I did say that it felt a lot faster than 720s - so maybe it was? If that's the case then it would explain the difference.


At any rate, it's not life-and-death but if anyone has an explanation for this, I'm all ears.

Fantastic Long Run

Distance: 9.12 mi
Time: 01:09:50/7:39 pace

I love running in the rain...I mean, I really love running in the rain. There's just something about it. It's...spiritual, almost. I feel like rain is one of Mother Nature's many of showing that the runner is part of it, that you belong amongst the elements and fit there perfectly as another moving, admiring part, cutting shapes in between the fresh rain drops. And no, I don't smoke weed.

This morning, however, was a little different. I took one look outside my window and said, "Oh, hale naw!!" It looked as if a category-four hurricane was storming through the apartment complex, and I went back to bed.

Shortly after noon, I saw my chance: it was raining pretty steadily, the way I love it, and I took off down the roads. I was going to do this long run on feel, meaning it would not be a long run at all if I felt the least bit worn out. I don't think I had made it a quarter-mile down the road when the skies opened up once again and I found myself in a torrential downpour. Those words are not exaggerations. It was raining so hard that I could barely see in front of me, and it was probably a good thing I was on a familiar road (Randolph).

There were a few cars out, and anyone who saw me had to have thought (known?) that I was completely insane. A few of them even pulled off and stopped; it was that bad. I wiped the water off my Garmin to see that I had been running about 7:25 pace, and it felt more like 6-flat. It's tough getting doused with rainwater, fighting through wind, and trying to make sure your clothes stay on, all whilst maintaining a decent pace. There was nothing spiritual about this; this was nature's way of saying that sometimes it's best to just stay indoors. I stopped for a few minutes at a red light under a small gazebo right by Presbyterian Hospital, made certain that I was where I thought I was, then continued. And then...it stopped. I got to Kings Drive, then turned on Trade Street and headed downtown. The sun was now shining brightly, and it would stay that way for the rest of my run. Obviously, I was soaked, but the Brooks seemed to do a good job of allowing the water to seep out. I was thankful for that.

I had decided I was going to run downtown, check the mileage, and then plan the rest of the run accordingly. I went past the Cable Box (Time Warner Cable Arena), past the Bank of America tower, where I waved to a client of mine who happened to be standing at the window, and made my way down to Poplar. I enjoyed this, downtown's most scenic street, arguably, and then made my way out on 7th. I ran past Discovery Place and Capital Grille and headed away on Trade Street again before cutting back to 7th.

I checked fitness and realized I could easily do 9 miles today, then checked the Garmin and realized I could easily extend this route to the Plaza-Midwood area. And so I did. Given the recent rainstorm, there weren't many people out and about, but I ran around there for a bit before heading home.

This was one of those runs that would not have been possible before, without my Garmin - not if I wanted to know the details of the run and not have to spend thirty minutes mapping out a route on the PC. I loved it. The conditions were awful - after the sun came out it was ghastly humid, of course - but the best runs are where one can just trot out the door and figure out the way on the fly.

My last mile equaled my second one as the fastest of the run, at 7:25. I felt great at the end.

Stats and Map (this is definitely a good time to click that link, if you don't normally)

Easy Does It on that Last Mile

Distance: 6.46 mi
Time: 00:50:00/7:44 pace

I ran the same route as yesterday, only I started picking up the pace a good bit going around the lake and stopped a bit shorter. According to the Garmin I averaged 6:27 per mile for the last .46; however, I ran slower overall than I did yesterday.

Oh yeah - this was also supposed to be my day off and a cutback week, but that's not out the window. I'm not worried, though. I've been doing a good job taking care of my legs post-run and I feel great.

Stats and Map

New route? Nah, not yet

Distance: 6.47 mi
Time: 00:48:25/7:36 pace

I decided to run the same Freedom Park/Booty Loop route once again. I haven't gotten tired of it yet! I set off around 1:30 in the afternoon and it was hot and pretty humid once again, but I seem to be adjusting to that so far. I did decide to make a change to the route, though: instead of continuing on the Booty Loop where one of the Queens roads crosses Selwyn, I turned right on another Queens road, then left on yet another Queens road - this last Queens Road being the one that turns into Morehead Street and leads to a pretty tough hill. Ah, hills! How I have missed thee. Maybe I'm due for a date with Old Bell soon? Easy, easy...

This route led me to Kenilworth, where I turned right and headed towards the Metropolitan, this time entering the greenway from the opposite side, where I don't have to dodge shopping traffic. I got baked by the sun once again, and therefore slowed down once again, but this time I ran all the way around the lake before finishing.

Stats and Map

Calling an Audible

Distance: 5.61 mi
Time: 00:40:26/7:12 pace

I was supposed to wake up early this morning and do a workout, but I called an audible and decided to rest - sort of. Basically, I've been trying to make a point to listen to the body more this time and not do anything I don't really need to do. I want to avoid the mistakes of last fall. My ankles had been bothering a good bit last night, and were stiff when I awoke. I did my calf raises and everything felt fine after that, but I decided a hard workout could wait another week.

Two o'clock rolled around, I had finished all my work for the day, and it was beautiful outside, so I decided to head to Freedom Park. In lieu of a real workout I decided I'd just do my five-plus loop at a slightly faster pace than normal. Normal was about 7:30 or so, so I was hoping to average around 7 minutes per mile.

I set off around the lake and up one of the Queens roads and hit 7:21 for the first mile. Perfect, not too fast. On a slight incline, then a slight decline and another slight incline, I hit 7:16 for mile number two. After this, I opened it up a bit and started feeling pretty good. I would glance down at the "average current pace" displayed on the Garmin and I swear I kept seeing numbers like "6:42" and "6:38" so I tried to keep it there. I was a little disappointed when I pulled up the stats and saw 6:46 for the third mile and 6:58 for the fourth.

At this point I was on the greenway - and right out in the sun - and I slowed down a good bit for the last two miles. This run confirmed that I wasn't really ready for a workout, but all in all I did pretty well, considering how long it's been since I tried to do anything even remotely heroic.

Stats and Map

Just Take It Easy..

Distance: 5.56 miles
Time: 00:42:50/7:37 per mile

As the title indicates, I just wanted to make sure I went easy today. I barely glanced at the watch; I just looked at it a couple times to make sure my pace was honest and to toggle between screens just for fun. I did the Booty Loop/Greenway route again but I'll probably mix it up next time. I also made a point to get out there first thing in the morning. The body seems to prefer that greatly over running between meals and in the heat of the day. The only downside to that is there are no sunbathing beauties at Freedom Park at 8 in the morning. Oh well.

Stats and Map 

Week in Review

Distance: 30.71 miles
Time: 03:56:13

I gave myself a much-needed day off today instead of running with Eggers. Hopefully, he'll still be my friend. I have gone from mileage weeks of 19, 13,  and 23 up to almost 31, so it was time to hit the skids. I went from feeling sluggish to fresh to worn out again by this week.

My plan for the week is to do easy runs of 5 miles or so on Tuesday and Thursday, a workout on Wednesday (probably a fartlek at McAlpine), about 9 on Saturday, and nothing Monday, Friday, or Sunday. So that should give me about 25 miles or so for the week, in four days. That's not much and will be a cutback from last week. I'm trying to stay focused on how the body feels, trim excess fat, and cut out the "trash miles" - extra miles on easy runs and extra days that I really don't need right now.

Wednesday's workout should go a long way towards determining my progress. It's been a long time since I made myself hurt. CAN'T WAIT!!

Long Run with Brinkley

 Time: 0:55:36/7:38 per mile
Distance: 7.20 miles

I made plans to meet up with Dave sometime before 9a.m. to do part of his long run with him. I wanted to do 7-8 and he wanted to do 10, so he sent me a text when he got to McAlpine to let me know he was starting the first two. I immediately headed to the park and got there right as he was finishing his first two miles.

Now, being that I've been out for awhile, I have developed an awful habit of staying out late on Friday nights, and last night was no exception. I could barely keep my eyes open at the beginning of this run, and my stomach felt enormous. I felt like I was carrying two Jasons around the trails for most of this run. I just told myself to let the pain be a reminder that I need to get back in the groove, which means no more late Friday nights!

Dave and I went up the greenway and decided to run the course backwards. I continued to feel awful and decided I didn't want to add any extra to the end of the run. However, on the last two miles back to the car I found my stride opening up and we picked up the pace. I ran my last full mile in 7:03 then called it quits as Dave took off down Old Bell to run one more mile.

So there ya have it, I ended up feeling great at the end of an otherwise awful run. As I said, I just need to get back in the groove. From now on Saturday morning means we get to do a long run!

Stats and Map

Milk....was a baaaad choice..

It's been hot and humid here in the Queen City the past couple days. Fatty here has some excess weight, gained from being injured for four months, that I hope to shed as soon as possible. In an attempt to expedite that process I wore long sleeves today. According to my Garmin, I burned 470 calories, but I have no idea how it figures that out given that I've never input my weight. I'm going to see if I can get my body-fat scale to be compatible with GarminConnect, but they say only their scales are....we'll see.

At any rate, today was supposed to be a day off and it wasn't, so I'm having a lot of fun out there on the roads. I'm really looking forward to running in the 90-plus degree heat and humidity, to give the lungs a serious workout. But today I slugged through 3.97 miles at just under 7:40 pace.

Stats and Map

Loving the Freedom Park runs

Well, I think I've found a new favorite route: I start at Freedom Park, run past the lake and out Princeton Avenue to get on the Booty Loop, take that all the way to the Metropolitan, then come back to Freedom on the Little Sugar Creek Greenway. It's scenic, there's limited interaction with motor vehicles, and it was only 5.5 miles the way I went today. Perfect! I did, however, feel sluggish for the second day in a row and I'm going to take tomorrow off. It was also right at 80 degrees and it may take some getting used to those hot temperatures.

I'm meeting Brinkley at McAlpine to do part of his long run Saturday, and then Eggers at McMullen for the same deal on Sunday. My long run will likely end up being Saturday if I feel up to it - hoping to hit 8 or 9 miles. Things are progressing nicely.

Stats and Map

Short Run.....or Not

I had every intention of running about four miles today, but that didn't happen. I ended up hitting over 7. I need an intervention. I did figure out how the trick to running slower in the early going, though - run uphill for the first mile! I went up Randolph and made my way over to Sharon Road, part of the Booty Loop, and then back up the hill on Sherwood before finding myself in the Eastover neighborhood by the Mint Museum of Art. Here, I saw two girls running by, waved, then realized that one of them was Emily Barrett. We exchanged pleasantries, she introduced me to her friend, then I decided to run with them back out of the neighborhood for a bit. Why not? I had already run way further than intended, why not make the run even longer? I began to tire and limped to the finish. The calf raises are really wearing out my quads (I know that doesn't make sense, but it's from holding my legs in place) and I also didn't eat all that well today, so I was low on energy all around. There were several 8:00-plus miles in there and my average was 7:49.

Stats and Map

Booty Loop and Greenway Attempt, Take II

No rain this time, so I succeeded in running part of the Booty Loop and hopping on the Little Sugar Creek Greenway right at the Metropolitan Centre, or whatever that place is called (where Dressler's is). I just wanted to do an easy five or six miles, so I have no idea how I ran my first mile in 6:49. The good news is it did feel easy, but I slowed down and ended up averaging 7:17 pace for the rest of the run. I still love the shoes, and this Garmin is unbelievable. Once again, if you bother to look at the link below, the "bird's-eye view" format is essential for this one. I love this neighborhood!

Stats and Map

Long Run ??

Well, I figured it was time to try a long run. Of course, "long" at this point means 7-10, not 16-22. Which reminds me, I guess I should say what I'm training for here. There aren't many good marathons in the summer, and San Diego is too soon. If I run a marathon this year it will be a late fall race. I want to start road-racing again: 5Ks, 10Ks, and the like. There are TONS of races at those distances throughout the spring, summer, and fall. I'd like to be able to toe the line at the Skyline 5K at the end of the month. The 5K training will entail speed work, and as a result will be a lot more intense than marathon training, but the mileage won't be anywhere near as high.

I wanted to run 7 miles today, and I set off for the lovely trails of McAlpine to complete this task. I was surprised to see that the mile markers on the greenway were pretty much dead-even with what my Garmin was measuring. I seem to recall Dave's watch would always lose a satellite signal at times in the woods, or simply measure the markers longer. Someone remind me to tell Dave that my watch is better than his. Oh nevermind, I'm sure I'll remember.

I averaged 7:25 a mile today but once again my fastest mile was my first one (7:08). I need to work on that. Please click on the link below to view the stats and look at the map. You may have to hit "refresh" for the map to come up. If you click on "bird's-eye view" you'll get a great idea of what McAlpine looks like. Pan over past Monroe Road and check out the swamp and the lake. Pretty sweet, huh? You can't really tell, but if you see where the red line zig-zags right before the swamp - that's the part of the course with the steep hill.

Stats and Map

Loving the Brooks

This was my first run in the new shoes, and I really loved the way they felt. There doesn't seem to be any fighting with the laces, as I don't have to tie them too tightly to get them snug. I ran from my apartment up through Elizabeth, Independence Park, past that Mexican place on Elizabeth Avenue, towards Plaza-Midwood, then back past the hospitals and home. I started picking up the pace a good bit at the end, running 6:46 pace for the last two-thirds of a mile. I felt great!

Stats

Shoe Shopping

I have been running - either competitively or recreationally - for a good bit of my life, and I have never spent my own money or my parents' money on a pair of running shoes not made by Nike. However, when you get injured for the first time, you begin to question things, and so here I found myself at the Run For Your Life in Dilworth asking "Ben" to examine my stride and put me in a pair of shoes. Ben said I had a pretty natural stride, which means I could wear a neutral shoe, but having heard me complain about fighting my Nikes to get them broken in, and always re-lacing them, he thought I needed something that would fit the foot a little more snugly. Enter the Brooks Defyance. Now, I realize RFYL has a tendency to push Brooks, so don't worry, I made Ben show me the Nike Lunar Glide and a pair of more comfortable Nike trainers as well. The Brooks just felt so much better. I felt I wouldn't have to obsess over getting the laces exactly the way I wanted them and could just freakin' run. I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Let's run!

Booty Loop and Greenway Attempt

Today, I decided I wanted to run the Booty Loop and the Little Sugar Creek Greenway. I started off down Queens Road at a leisurely pace. A Cadillac had pulled out in front of me, forcing me to stop and dodge it, a few moments earlier, and at the next intersection I found myself literally jumping out of the way of this exact same Cadillac. As you can imagine, I did not appreciate this, and I then did something I don't ever recommend anyone doing: I closed-fist smacked the back of the car, and when the astonished driver turned around to glare at me, I let him know exactly what was going to happen to him if he pulled out in front of me again. I am not proud of my actions, and I am certainly not bragging about this; however, I would like to use this incident to show that things are starting to get back to normal - I'm running, thinking about how I can get faster, and trying to save the world one bad driver at a time. I had been in some sort of personal funk for the last four months, and I'm rapidly snapping out of it with every mile on the pavement. I don't know what it is with me and running, but it just makes me a different person. It's like a drug or something. Maybe one of these days I'll figure out how to put it into words. Or maybe I just needed to let out some aggression? Ha.

Anyway, I didn't think about the fact that the previous night's rain would keep me off the greenway - as it was flooded - but I managed to get in a solid six miles. After the run, I downed a Gatorade and a protein shake and realized I needed some new shoes as soon as possible.

Stats

Garmin Glory

No more spending 30 minutes mapping out an exact route before a run. No more guessing my pace until I hit a mile mark. No more not knowing where any of the mile marks are. No more...I could go on and on, but you get the idea: things are going to be different for me from now on. I set the Garmin to record each mile I ran as a "lap" and to alert me each time I hit a mile. It records distance, pace, total time, and maps where I run. All I have to do is hook it to a PC via USB and all the data pulls up.

I ran 5 miles today, and while my splits and pacing were inconsistent, I was able to comfortably average 7:24 pace for an easy run, which is very good. That's about where I was last fall when I was actually pretty fast. The speed will take awhile, but it's good to know I haven't lost too much.

Here are the details. Enjoy.

Week Two

I only ran three times this past week, for a total of 13.5 miles. I finally started using the Garmin GPS running watch that my mother gave me for Christmas. After I get it set to do what I want it to, I'll posting the "stats" for each one of my runs. Suffice it to say that this thing has changed my life. The legs felt all right this week but the body continues to be a bit sluggish. I can tell that I'm waking up the legs, though, and that the system is starting to remember that this is what it's meant to do.

Re-habbing and getting back out there

Well, after four months of not running at all, I decided I couldn't take it anymore. So on the afternoon of March 15th, I slapped on the Nikes and headed out the door, hoping I could complete one of my short Eastover loops without pain in my left leg. I completed the whole thing, running 4.5 miles in all, with no pain. It seems like that shouldn't be a big deal, but it was. My body felt sluggish and lazy, which was to be expected, but I was able to keep a decent pace without straining. I made it back out on the roads three more days this past week, giving me a total of 19.5 miles for the week.

At Tommy John's behest, I've been doing some exercises to build up the muscles in my leg around the area that was injured in the hopes of rebuilding strength and preventing any future mishaps. These exercises include seated calf-raises and phantom wall sits, basically for as long as I can stand it. I haven't been doing the wall sits as much as I should be but I actually love the calf raises. They seem to do a great job of warming up my legs, and I can clearly see the muscle working as I do them, which gives me hope that these exercises really can enable me to keep running and (hopefully) avoid injury.

Ode to Taylor John

I remember March 9, 2010 like it was yesterday. I was supposed to cover a valet shift at the Palm at 11:15 a.m., so I just lounged around the apartment for most of the morning, checking sports scores and other news online. Ben Roethlisberger's latest sexual assault charge had recently hit the news, and I was exchanging witty text messages with my buddy Matthew, a big Steelers fan, making fun of the situation. And that's about when I got the following message delivered to my Facebook inbox:

"Jason, I need you to call me. Can you give me a quick call? Please call me. It's important." -Tamara

Immediately, a chill went down my spine. An urgent message from Tamara, asking me to call her right away, could only mean one thing: something had happened to Taylor. I ignored the message for about half an hour, watching a few funny videos on youtube and ironing my clothes, possibly pretending that nothing was wrong, even though I knew that wasn't the case. I checked again and, surely enough, the message was still there.

I finally called Tamara and received the news: Taylor John, someone I considered closer to me than even my own family, was gone. He was 28 years old.

It's funny how people react when someone dies. I spent the entire day calling people I knew, first my family and then friends from Charlotte Christian, to inform those who needed to hear it from me and compel them to spread the word. I tried to think; the last thing I wanted was for one of Taylor's close friends from high school to find out on Facebook that he had passed away. Josh Holland and Daniel Eggers were probably the first people I called outside my family, and since Eggers' wife was in our class at Christian, she was able to get the word out to a good number of people, as well. I was grateful for that; it made my job easier. But then I started getting phone calls and messages from people wanting to know what was going on, how it happened, why it happened, what Taylor had been up to the last few years. And then I became angry. If you are so curious to know what Taylor has been doing, or why he was in trouble, then why didn't you stay in touch with him all these years? That's what I wanted to say to people. Others criticized me for being too open and personal on my Facebook page. I basically started ranting, and when people criticized me for it I would lash out. "Don't you have someone you feel you can talk to when you're upset? You shouldn't bottle things up, but maybe you shouldn't broadcast them, either."  My response: I did have someone I could talk to. He's gone now. 

I felt I had been loyal to my friend, and I was angry that other people had not. Taylor's death, initially, made me a selfish, angry, and resentful person.

I made a point, once I finally found time to grieve, to use Taylor's passing as a way to analyze my own life. I dug pretty deep and I didn't necessarily like what I found: I had done all right for myself in my first 28 years, made some great friends, had some good times, accomplished some great things...but I wasn't all that happy. I felt I had been trapped in some sort of limbo, where my life was happening and I was not necessarily in control of it. There wasn't really anything wrong with me, but I could do better. I made a point to start doing better. I began to eat healthier. I quit going out uptown every weekend. Eventually, I started running again, and while I'm currently still on the mend from an injury, suffice it to say that I am back as a runner. There were moments on the trails last fall where I couldn't help but look around and nearly shout in exuberance at where I had found myself: for the first time in longer than I could remember, I was once again doing something I loved. Think about that: before, I wasn't really doing anything that made me happy. More importantly, I also feel like I became a better person. I've done a better job of making time for my friends. I've reconnected with people with whom I had lost touch. I make a point to thank my parents for the way they raised me as often as I can. I tell someone like Eggers that he inspires me with his running because, well, he does, and you never know when someone - anyone - might need to hear something like that.

Without Taylor, I don't think any of that happens. Life is just far too short for anger, resentment, or selfishness, no matter how "righteous" or justified it may ever be. It just isn't worth it.

While it may sound like I'm talking about myself, I am not. I am talking about Taylor. I don't know how to really put into words what Taylor was like, how I saw him, or the kind of person he was. I've tried. The best way I know how to express what kind of person he was is to explain what he has done for me.  Correction: what he is doing for me. I wasn't really sure what to make of today, the one-year anniversary of his death. I mean, it's not like I haven't thought about it every day for the last year, anyway.

Through Tamara and Taylor's journal, I learned that Taylor always saw me as a true friend: he said when things were as dark as possible, and life felt hopeless, I had been there for him, and he appreciated it to the very end. I have no idea what to say to that, except this: when I have doubts about myself, or question where life is headed, or just plain get scared...Taylor's watching out for me, too. And you can't ask for a better friend than that.

I love you like a brother, Taylor. Thanks for allowing me to be such a big part of your life.